I stopped taking my meds.
I felt good at first, but I think it was because I felt numb. But my jokes about suicide got darker, my friends were getting worried. Then there was an issue with my doctor’s office and the refill was delayed so I said eff it.
I missed writing and being creative. I’ve been feeling that spark again. But with it comes the sadness. My doctor and my friends keep recommending therapy, and while I’m so pro-therapy, I can’t get myself to take my own advice and schedule an appointment. I think it’s because I don’t trust anyone. I tried therapy when I was in middle school or junior high and they told my parents everything I said. I needed help and someone to talk to and instead the told my parents about me trying to kill myself from overdosing and cutting myself in places no one would see and my parents freaked out so I lied. After my parents got divorced, I tried to go again but I was so silent I made everything awkward. I said I was fine and didn’t feel the need to be there.
But my heart is heavy. I have all of my feelings back, my creativity, but no motivation. Or do I hold myself back out of fear of rejection and criticism?
I podcasted, I streamed, I make tiktoks, I write; I’m too inconsistent to make anything out of anything.
I can’t even keep up with my own website/blog. I may disband this eventually.
Nic Baker Writes 