I’m really going through it

Working A LOT. Then managing the household. Having a hard time finding the energy to do what I really want to do – write. I’m so bogged down mentally.

And now my male cat is having health issues. 7 years old, at the vet 3x in 7 days for fecal blockage. Found a bladder stone. I bought the Royal Canine G/I food designed to help his stool + hopefully tackle the stone so he doesn’t need surgery.

I feel like I haven’t slept in days. My house is a wreck. I’m a wreck. I just really don’t know what to do anymore.

And I started this site to talk about writing, but it’s turned into a rant fest and I apologize to those who came for the writing and gaming and stayed for the mental illness whining.

I need therapy.

It’s been a while…

The anti-depressants didn’t work. My doctor told me they think I’m depressed and anxious and I should seek a psychiatrist. My insurance is not the best, so finding someone affordable in my area hasn’t been helpful. Sure I have the option for an online doctor who wants $200 up front and multiple sessions or another doctor who wants $75 per online session, but can’t guarantee how quickly I can be diagnosed.

I never thought I would be here… frustrated knowing something is not right, but not being able to know… I’m forgetful with a lot of things, important things: dates, tasks, people. Even when I’m obsessed with something I can’t retain enough information about it to explain what it is or why I like it to people. I’ve been ridiculed for it for numerous reasons. Made to feel dumb.

I’ve been doing even more research lately. Watching videos from people talk about their mental health, diagnoses, their experiences in general. Everything is leading to ADHD. I know that sounds stupid to just assume, but there are more symptoms than the two things I mentioned that overlap with symptoms of ADHD in real people, not just textbooks.

I’m feeling overwhelmed in my own head because there’s so many things I want to do and I feel like I can’t. I don’t know if I’m looking for validation in my apparent executive dysfunction or an excuse. And I know that sounds dumb, but I am constantly feeling guilty… and that’s a whole mess on its own.